Hello girls… I have had a mammogram exactly one week ago, no big deal, had one 3 years ago when I have been 46 years old, and that's only because our local NHS just wanted to test a few random women that are under 50 years old for mammograms, and so I have went along 3 years ago - late 2013/ early 2014, 2 weeks later I have got my result for that and everything was just fine. so well, then again, at the age of 49 (3 years later after that), they have send me in for it once again, however the mammogram place it is right near me in our little community hospital, which it is a mobile screening unit. I am living in only a small town…
so well, a few days ago I have went… I walked along to that mobile breast screening unit I told you about and got another mammogram, however this time it was a bit different as they sent me a letter, I've got that letter today and there they tell me that they've made an appointment in order to have some other further X rays just to look more closely at an area seen on my screening x ray, or a change that I have reported to them. well… one sure thing is that I have reported to them absolutely no changes and I do know it for sure. I've tried to check my boobs and I have felt no lumps… I mean, I can't be sure like that but from as much I could feel - I don't have any lumps.
they want me to go to a hospital in another town and they told me to be there at 9 AM, but in order to get there I need to get a train and then to get a bus to reach that hospital and plus to that, I have absolutely no idea where I am exactly going… even though they have sent me a map I do know that there are other navigation services nowadays which are better than a map… like for example, simply the google maps.
so now… the point that I'm trying to make here is… I really don't know whether I want to take this any further than this… this is because I already have a bad depression, and even though we all know cancer is horrible… it could be my ticket out and that's because I have almost committed suicide the last year… I was really close to take my own life… I have collected a good 'cocktail' of different and many drugs and I have done a lot of researches on suicide. I have informed myself a lot about it, but in the end it has turned out that this just bull sh!t. but then later my GP has told me that the drugs are not going to kill me they are most likely going to make me feel even worse and that's it… so that's why I have never dared to take them, but I remember how close I was to do it…
plus to that… I have been near to death one more time… it was when I have been 6 months old and that's because of an really really bad pneumonia I got then. of course I can't remember anything of that, but my parents told me… those doctors warned my parents that I have quite good chances that I am not going to make through that night… however I did made it through, after I've got loads of antibiotics and loads of oxygen! either it is because of this thing or not… that was not the end as it continued like that for a really long time… I mean, I was just keep on getting constant bronchitis until I have been around 5 years old… and yeah.. that's not all, now I do smoke and so I am having COPD too…
I have a lot of other things to be worried about… I really want so damn hard to escape all of this austerity… as I said, there are LOTS of other worries that I should pay attention to… like for example I am not getting on with my family anymore now, I am also having valium addiction (75 mg) and I need to wean off it plus withdrawals and also some other drug problems as well… as you can see… I have enough of them. but if this is not enough then I can say also that I am also having borderline personality disorder and maybe even possible ADHD plus C PTSD as well and more importantly than all of it… I think that all of those resources the NHS spend on a really deep depressed person like me, who does not even want to live, could be spent on some poor woman out there who really does have cancer and who is really desperate to live and doesn't think of suicide as I do.
even though my mother has been horrible with me when I was in the throes of mental illness during the Christmas 2 years ago (in late 2015) calling me being selfish and so on and so forth, I have emailed her and I've told her, purely cos my aunty, cousin, and some of my great aunties have had breast cancer. I have told her for her sake, for my sister's sakes as well as for my nieces and remaining aunties sakes.
in addition to all of it, I am on HRT and I have also heard that women with breast cancer need to have HRT and to go through some very terrible chemo, and for me… I just want to be fully honest here, is simply not worth it. not on the top of all of my other worries (I should say that I have not mentioned everything in my post here as I am also having other worries as well), and that is why I am feeling like this can be my time to finally shuffle this mortal coil. I honestly just can't understand why they simply won't let me go back to the mobile breast screening unit in this small town where I am living? it is so much more easier for me! why they have told me that I need to go to that big hospital in another city which is so damn hard to reach it? I am not having a transport to get there, but even if I would then I doubt I am allowed drive like this. the thing is that I am not being able to go out by train or/ and bus without using opiates and that's due to the fact that I am getting a panic attack and my borderline is getting triggered and if this does happen then only god can know what can happen after that… if I am losing my shit!
the thing is… you know… I really do not care if I am having cancer.. I do know what this means but still… honestly… I would be much more of a burden if I was to continue to live coming off 75 mg of valium addiction… and also all of the rest problems that I am having, than if I had cancer… who knows, if I really had cancer, I might even make it up to my mother before I died and so I would open up to her more about the real troubles that I have with my flat, which to be honest, I really have no wish to talk about it at the current moment and that's due to the fact that I think it might trigger me into a mental health crisis. so well, why do they want me to go to that big hospital which is so far away from me and is so hard for me to go in there taking in consideration that we are having a mobile breast screening unit right here, under my nose… and it is so easy for me to get in there. isn't the same? aren't the results going to be exactly the same? I guess I just should say that quality of life over quantity it is much more important for me.
so… I am not even sure why I wrote this off… just thanks for letting me do this and I'm sorry if this bothered you.