Hello everyone, before I am going to share my story and tell you everything I intended to say I have to firstly mention 2 disclaimers:
The first one and I guess what’s important for you to keep in mind is that I am not suicidal at this moment. I have stopped being one approximately one year ago when I have had my last serious attempt doing so (a bit more than a year ago). I have to mention that I am not actively trying to kill myself.
And the second disclaimer is that I am really not trying to troll you for “poor you” or anything in this type of remarks. I am always getting them, I have shared my story on another board and I am tired of such kinds of remarks. I am getting them all the time. and yeah… it is nothing bad or anything in this matter if you do post them and while they are still appreciated… all that they are making me say is only “I know” and that’s it. nothing more. so if any of you thinks that I am writing this thread thinking that my intention is to get the more “poor you” kind of comments then you can stop reading now and you might leave. However if you still want to say this then, as I said, I won’t get offended or anything… plus, I surely can’t stop you from doing that.
So well, I am a new member on this site and while I have been lurking here for a while, I have been considering to make this thread here for a good while now since I’ve seen that here are some really good people who really can give you an helpful insight. But then later I’ve got this:
My post was: What about a consistent, an regular and daily use of amounts of approximately 50 pills or so a day?! That’s me while I am NOT trying to kill myself! however, with such an amount, of course it could have happened. One day I have taken 115 pills in a day and trust me or not, but I was really not intending or trying to kill myself, it is only the fact that I really did not care if I died either. do you think that this is considered suicide either?
I have got this reply: very well, if you are still doing and if you’re still feeling that way, then you surely need some help!
So well… I really guess that I kinda really need some help. I really did not want to due to the fact that while I am pretty sure that there are a lot of other people who are having some pretty similar stories to mine that I’ve poste it with some specifics before and it could pretty easily be traced to me but eh… whatever. I would say that if purchasing some pills from online sources it is the worst thing that I am doing and you really want to nail me for doing so then there’s nobody whose going to stop you and that’s why, so be it. I have to mention that I do not intend to make this thread into a book –long type of thread and that’s why I am going to try to exclude some of the not very important details and I’ going to try to be as briefly as possible, however I still have to mention that the story itself require some details and that’s why I still guess that it would be a long one… those who do not like to read long posts might leave now either… so well, here we go now…
I’ve got to mention that I do not remember my life before I have been age of almost 15 or so (definitely around 14) and I guess this is pretty important to mention. However, before I have been 5 years old I was told that it has been a pretty good life. but then later, after that, pretty much out of sudden, it all went to hell down. my mother has been continuously trying to pass me off on everybody and everything and so it has eventually made me out to be totally crazy to get attention for herself (Munchausen’s by proxy, anybody?!) and so she had me admitted to a state run mental hospital later. it wasn’t a hospital, it wasn’t a torture place, so I have been tortured in that place for about a little bit less than 3 years. that’s something that I wouldn’t wish to anybody… I have been forced to take some extremely string psych drugs, I have been locked in solitary confinement for up to about 3 months, I have been abused and physically restrained for cursing and not only as the list is very and very long to how I was tortured so I could go on and on but anyway. so well, after a while my mother has been regretting what she has done and that she sent me to that torture place and so she tried to get me out of it later. however she couldn’t. she has given custody of me to the state and that’s why it wasn’t until late in my stay that she finally could prove negligence and so she got me out. there was an attorney who has claimed and was sure that we are having a million dollar case easy in case we are going to go and sue them for all of that, however I declined to go further and we didn’t. I have always been taught, said and influenced that I am useless, that I am broken and completely unlovable and that I will never be. it is extremely hard to explain and I do realize that it must be even harder to understand what I am talking about. for me to stand in a courtroom and to explain what has happened… well… I felt like there’s everybody who would see me for what I “was”. I guess only certain people would understand this… but whatever… as an result of all of that I have never graduated high school. I did have went to school in that place and I have been ready to transfer back into the 12th grade after that when I have got out, however the school told me that the place wasn’t accredited and that all they can do is to place be in the 9th grade while I have been 17 years old. I have walked out on that meeting. I have enrolled in college and I have eventually graduated with a 3.95 in the computer science.
In the meantime my mother has been continuing her extremely controlling emotionally abusive ways. And I do not even want to mention here how. A couple of years ago I have snapped after she has been keeping waking me up about 10 times per night for weeks on end and it seemed like she would never stop doing it. the police has been called that night and I have been threatening them with a knife. However, when they have finally got in they have simply sat down and we have been talking about it. they were not intending to arrest me, instead they have noticed and decided that I have been in an extremely stressful situation and that I needed to get out. however they couldn’t decide like that so I have had to go to a hospital in order to get checked out carefully about this. absolutely everybody in the family has been convinced that they are going to keep me forever. They have given away my cats (my only friends back then), my stuff and so on. so well, I’ve got to the hospital and the doctors there, after they have examined me a bit, they have decided the exact same thing as the cops did and so they have advised me to “get out before it is going to be too late”. They have discharged me that night and there was nobody who would come to pick me up and so I was all alone standing there. then, eventually, when some police officers saw me like that took me half of the 30 miles to my home and left me there. I did have tried to walk the rest miles to my house, of course since there was nothing else left for me to do, however taking in consideration that I am having the condition of my back problems – I simply have collapsed in the road and was lying there… well, a bit later a motorist nearly ran over me so he stopped and called the police saying about me and how I am feeling and that I am lying there. the police came and they have brought me home and I have been evicted within a month for that damage that I have did to the house. Gotta mention that it has been the best thing that has ever happened to me, it was really amazing.
I also have to mention that I have only ever had 2 real friends in my entire 29 years old. both of which I have met online. I have also had my own website at that time and I have reached out for help as I have been homeless… obviously. After squatting in an abandoned house for approximately a month or so and after going without food for like 8 days or so I have finally had the money to get out. my friend has told me why don’t you come live with me for a while and I have told that I did not have the money to go SO far. so, my friend even paid me for my trip. Since that day my things have gotten a lot much more better for me. my addictive behavior has finally stopped and then I have even got a job which changed my life even more. I have always wanted to have a job and thinking that I would have one would be amazing, however my chronic pain precludes me. but I have found this one and it was truly amazing, it was the best job that I could think about because I’ve found a job where I could work literally any hours that I want!! I doubt that I could find anything better for me. I really loved it. however, the problem is that I have pushed myself way too hard and so I have ended up to abuse pain killers, I was trying hard to get rid of the pains in order to be able to work about 40 hours per week which was too much for me, of course. After approximately half a year of that I came clean to my bosses. I had lost one of my 2 only friendships that I have ever had in my life due to the fact that we were living together and so I have had no place to go again. I have been truly scared and afraid. the last thing that my boss has told me was: “do not ever forget what a fu**ing genious you are” and I’ve got to say that it was a pretty much supportive environment while it has lasted.
So well, I have done the only thing that I could do and so I have moved back cross country and back in with my mother and I am really glad to say that she is truly different now, she has changed a lot, she’s not like she used to be and I really liked it. she is on a diet now, she is not trying to control me anymore and she does know very well that I am everything that she has now. I have to say that despite everything she has done to me, I still love her and I do feel very bad for her, she has driven everybody away from her. she is all alone without me and she’s suffering. And despite of everything what she has done to me, I am still not going to leave her to die, she’s my mother and I do believe in family.However, this is where the dramatic worst decline is starting to take place. After being back for approximately 2 months (even less than 2 months, about 7 weeks or so) I have admitted myself to detox. I have been up to approximately 40 pills of Vicodin or about 60 pills of Tramadol per day. I’ve got to say that on the way to my detox my car tore up for good. I have also had to give away my 2 cats which was extremely sad for me. the entire detox process has been extremely horrible, the doctor has discharged me on the second day because I have requested to do so. I have went straight through the rehab. It has been even worse than that, even worse that I could think that it would be. even more drugs than I had ever put my eyes on… I then came back home and I have called those people with my cats and I’ve been told that one of them had already died while the other one was close. She is still not better by now. That have been back in March or so.
And another thing is that also around that time or so, there has been my other good friend of 2 years who flipped the hell out on me. I’ve got to say that she had always been extremely supportive since I have posted a pretty similar thread to this one (with what happened back in that time) on a forum board that she has been a member of and she read my thread and found it very interesting. Since then we started to be friends. However, we went to talking about the “friend zone” one message to her next message that has been starting with the words: “then simply go and kill yourself and that’s it”. she then has went on to tell me that she has never been my friend and that she had only been talking to me out of pity and nothing more but then she has been tired of it. we have had a flame war fight after and I have done a very bad thing after that, a thing that I regret doing. I have asked for her address or some contacts that she could share with me, I have asked for them multiple times just in case, in case that forum board would go down and there would be no other way I could get to her. in the beginning she was like she does not have a problem with this, however her husband might have some and that’s why she didn’t really wanted to share it. however the last time she has told me that, in fact, she’s the one who is having a problem with that too. that should have been a pretty good sign I guess… I have told her that I do know her name and her city/ state and that’s why I have told her that in case she is in the phone book then everything that it takes me is only one click. I’ve told her that I’m one click away to find it out. however I have told her that I respect that it is yours to give so it is up to her. and I really have done this until she flipped on me that way. i have went to whitepages.com and I have searched up for her name and I have pasted it back in a message to her just to make her nervous, simply to piss her off, pretty much as she has done to me. but as I’ve already mentioned, this has went very far, too far, our flamed up war got to the point that I actually ended up scaring the sh*t out of her and that’s why, soon later her husband got involved in all this situation. I mean, that’s how serious it got. I then have given them my address in a message later that was for him and I have added there: come and kick my ass if you that’s what you want, you have that right to do so. I guess there is no need to mention that the relationship has ended completely. I tried not to go into way too much details here, however you’ve got to trust me… everybody, ABSOLUTELY everybody is on my side when talking about this situation (but I’ve got to talk about it in little details so you could understand), and not close people to me who’re on my side because they’re close to me… no, people who I don’t know. that’s so freaking bad… she has always been the nicest person to me and I appreciated her so much, everything she has done to me, she was always so much supportive to me that I thought nobody would be like her, she was always so sweet that I thought this would never change. I’ve been thinking that it is “her personality” to be the nicest person on this planet. She did knew that she’s (was) everything that I have had left. She also did knew very well that I have been in love with her, however in the same time I really have respected her decisions and her relationship and that’s why I have been leaving her alone when I knew that I had to do it or when she kinda “asked” to do so. But she has destroyed me completely, she ruined me and my life, she has killed me from inside. You know that only the closest persons are able to ruin your life, exactly that’s what happened to me. I am having no friends left anymore and I am completely unable to make attachments anymore, this has changed me enormously!
Well, speaking about relationship, I might as well go in to this either. I’ve got to mention that it is my one and only life’s goal to get married some day and to have a family, to have my family. In the end I have confessed to her in my suicide note that I wrote up for her a bit more than a year ago and she has ignored that part for a while and would have been completely ignored if I would not force to have that discussion with her about this and this has ended up with her saying: “I do understand why are you feeling this way, however you do know very well that this is never going to happen and please… for my sake, please, do not ever bring it up anymore.” I have to say that I have ever asked somebody to go out with me only 2 times in my life and of course, both of those times I have got a pretty nice “no” answer. I am about to be 29 years old soon and I have never had a girlfriend in my life. of course that’s not a normal thing. I have to say that I am a smart and nice person, or at least I’m trying to. I’ve got to mention that most people do like me when they are getting to know me, however the problem with me is that I am not the least bit attractive though, and that’s why I am alone, I was alone and most likely I will be alone for the rest of my life. I honestly think that I am most likely going to be alone forever, that I will never get married and would never have a girlfriend or have a family. In fact, I have to confess that this is the reason why made me to attempt a suicide a bit more than a year ago. this feeling, this thought, it is extremely hard to get over it and be ignorant about it and simply live with it. the thought that nobody would ever need me and that I will be alone made me attempt it. I’ve been thinking that absolutely nobody would ever suffer out of this.
Anyway, I also have to mention that I am having a very bad chronic pain stemming from 2 degenerated discs and scoliosis as well and this is what makes me take pain pills like candies. I think that at least this is the place that most likely I do not need to explain how bad a chronic back pain is as I have seen that people here are also dealing with it. I have always been considered a lazy person until I have finally got the diagnosis after I have been injured pretty badly while I have been working on a car when I have been 19 years old. I have to say that the pains were really bad and that’s why it was not a hard thing for me to get a lot of pain killers if considering the fact how debilitating the pains are. All of that until I have called every single doctor in about 200 miles radius around me and said no more narcotic pain killers. I’ve got to mention that ever since my car tore up, the things have been getting impossible for me and not only taking in consideration the fact that I am in pains, but I am also living in a nowhere town and as I have already mentioned it above earlier in my post, the closest store or doctor it is 30 miles away from my house. Also, as I said it, I am having absolutely no friends and that’s why I am forced to pay people some large amounts of money in order to get the things that I need done. currently I have to mention that there is over $2000 dollars in my back account though and that makes me feel a bit better. they have messed up my disability when I have moved back and so I have lost it and my insurance for 3 months. well, taking in consideration the fact that I am getting only 700 bucks per months, my back pay has been approximately 2100 bucks or so. I think that this is pretty enough for getting myself a car. Will it happen? It better would because otherwise I would give up. and I mean, I would give up, most likely forever. However, if it does then I do know, it is obvious that the things could get a lot much more better inside this month. and my mother is convinced that it is going to get better while I am nearly 100% convinced that it is not.
So well, I also want to say this in the end… so, now, taking in consideration everything, with all this bad BS, with no family worth a damn, with no friends, my friends (my cats) one is dead and my other one is dying… there’s nothing for me left… but, do you know what the hell is keeping me going on?? a couple of things that does it and music is a really big one. I guess that I would be dead by now if I would be deaf. I am feeling so SO sorry for deaf people as they are not having this BIG blessing of listening to music. Nothing is taking my mind off the suck like music does. I am listening to absolutely everything, there’s no such kind of bad music, however I mostly prefer alternative rock as well as Japanese music. I also really like to lose myself in some story based video games as well as some other media either. I have to mention that I am a completely hopeless romantic to the core and also a sucker for a good love story which, as I said, I think that would never happen. Also my not quite dead cat is helping either. she imprinted on me, I love her so damn much. I have been there when she has been born and ever since I loved her. how can something to be so gross and yet, in the same time, to be so so beautiful. I still remember her little paws. She follows me around everywhere I go like a baby duck does with her mother is around. She does love me, and I really love her either. losing her would most likely cause me to bring about my own end… that’s how much I love her. of course I am a cat lover and I have always been one, however to have one imprinted on you, IMO is completely on a totally new level. It’s like when you’re losing a family member, that’s how I feel about her.
So I guess I should end this because it is already way too much and I am tired. I do know that I have left some stuff out, maybe I even forgot something, but I am going to come back and maybe I will add something else, as for now I am going to leave you with this and I am going to end this very long story (btw, I warned you about this) with my favorite quite from my all time favorite movie:
"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." Andy Dufrain, The Shawshank Redemption
I guess, pretty much this is what keeps me going, what keeps me alive… hope is that little thing that changes this world and each person individually.
you’ve really got to find those things that you really love and secure deep roots into those things, you’ve got to keep your mind busy, to stay active, to go out and do things. doesn’t matter what. you’ve said that you like videogames and all sorts of media things. don’t get me wrong but by saying so (plus you consider to be the least attractive and PLUS that you’ve said that both friends that you have ever had – you’ve met online) I can imagine that you’re not getting out much… if at all. that’s a really big mistake. Life won’t get you anything sitting home days on end. the only ways you might get something is to get out and get yourself whatever you need. To interact with people. there’s somebody who’s going to like you, be sure about that, but that somebody can’t reach you when you are sitting at home. Just remember that life is not going to find you when you’re going to sit inside on a computer and feeling sorry for yourself or for others