benzodiazepine withdrawal time

[Angwin]

So well, I have seen it being recommended to start a new thread when going into recovery so that’s what I am doing. first of all, hello to everybody. As you can see, it is benzo withdrawal time and I am, of course, afraid. I wanted to write this in hope that I am going to get some help. I also must mention here that as each day passes I see and I truly realize more and more what a true miracle it is that I am still alive.

 

While mixing some pretty large dosages of benzodiazepines, barbiturates as well as morphine I do understand that this is the most lethal drug cocktail that I have ever used and I think that it’s one of the most lethal drug cocktail that you can do. I must admit that I took it due to the fact that I am an addict and I have discovered the online pharmacies world and from the first day of it I was just not able to get enough down my throat. And I have been feeling normal and it overall started to become a normal thing for me to wake up every single morning with my face down on my laptop or something like this, in some strange position with the place I was in a complete disarray… with my body in bruises and I was sometimes even bleeding.

 

Then later, after some time has passed, I would discover that I had ordered some other batch of something or other. The one that I loved the me was soma and I was just not able to get enough of it, I couldn’t just get tired of it…. and carispodol as well and then later mixed with nitrazepam, Xanax as well as triazolam (Midazolam) and also all of the white snorting my prescription of morphine tablets which I have started to take more and more of it until I have reached a dosage up to like 250 to 300 mg of it per day and due to the fact that I’ve been doing it as a daily routine, I didn’t eat, therefore, of course, problems started as my kidneys and my liver were starting to fail by the, which was expectable I guess. I have got a little bit bitter twice and after that I have relapsed even worse than previously and so the doctor gave me pretty much whatever I have been asking for. Well, I seem to get into these all these sick female doctor and patient relationships. No I mean… seriously… this is the third time when this is happening to me and they are always women and in addition to that I end up seeing them every single week and that is why I get to know them really well and so, since I am being an addicted person, I have to admit that I am already an professional manipulator and also gotta admin I’m a complete liar. The last time the doctor (and all 3 of them in their 30s) have eventually turned around to me and they were telling me… ‘ I am not your….’ And then she just couldn’t be able to utter the word ‘dealer’. She shipped me off to psych ward where I have wandered about in a benzo and methadone haze for around 3 weeks or so before they let me to go out and after that, I have had to taper down the valium I had by picking up daily dosages and so I succeeded to drop from 30 mg to 5 mg in approximately one month or so as much as I think.

 

And now, this is a problem IMO because this time I have been using some much more higher dosages, however been using them for a shorter period of time than this. as much as I can remember it was 6 months I guess. On the last 3 weeks of this I have been popping Xanax and sleepers as well as barbs and it has gotten me through the detox without having to use methadone or subutex (even worse). We then looked at those amounts that I have been using and so I started on 60 mg exactly 2 weeks ago now. so well… my body was not able to handle the 40 mg and not to mention the 60 mg and so it has made my depression be even more unbearable than it already was. And so I have then changed my medication to the Lorazepam, been using anywhere around 3 to 5 mg per day and the depression has got a lot much more better, however then later it turned to be a problem because when I have told my AA sponsor he went completely mad about this and, he has been telling me that it has been waay way too potent medication and also too short acting and this is why this is a drug that has been completely unsuitable for a benzo taper down. and therefore, of course, I did agreed to go back on the blue meanies.

 

So well, now, I have taken 10 mg this morning and I am just about to use another 10 mg tonight and planning to add some zopiclone to it in case I am going to find impossible to sleep. In addition to this I must admit the fact that I have taken 1.5 mg of lorazepam some hours ago today… I really was trying not to but my heart has feeling as if it would have been going to explode. I have been hitting the meetings hard. There is just no better place for me and soaking up that energy of those people who have done it is just wonderful! I just need to keep busy… I’m always trying to be around of some people… I am always trying to do a lot of exercising (or at least everything that I am able to do) and I’m also trying to eat healthier. I am now coming down 5 mg every 4 days, or at least that’s my plan of what I have to do. I do realize that this is going to be a really hard task, however I really think that this is going to be possible to do. I have already done it 3 times in the past and the second time it has been 3 and a half years ago. There have been some night terrors and shaking and the most intense anxiety feeling that I have ever had (in fact, I think that the fear and the pain that I have had when I was the age 11 it has been even worse, but at very least, I do know the reason why this has been occurring to me at all).

 

Also can mention here that I have already done the ashton manual taper method in the past and drawn it out over months and as I have said, I have done it within approximately a month or so and both were pretty much exactly the same, at least for me. but I need to feel again… I am currently ok… and I know that it is going to be ok. I’ve just got to feel the spirit without and within, to take the full blown responsibility for my illness and issues and to turn my attention outwards towards other people. Not sure here, but I think that I have already been trying a little bit too hard as I have already been played 2 times by some supposedly clean addicts out there who I pick up and we are driving some miles away to a meeting and they just hop out to score and then later they wait for me after the meeting is over. Well, I am not being resentful, or at least I’m trying not to, those people are ill and they need help, I realize, however I just cannot be around the people who are like this. I just know that I need some positive and healthy recovering addicted people and alcoholics in order to gently guide me back into clean, into health and good way of living so I can feel love and pain and cope as I have been doing for a lot of years. I just do not need those people around me who are dragging me down into the hole that seemingly I can’t get out.

 

Now I do realize it very and very well that one of my biggest mistake has been that I ran away from my feelings (and generally I start understanding that there are a lot of people who do this mistake) and I have been in danger of becoming an automaton and also going through the motions of the life, many people became like that, to my observations… it is important for me to mention that I still have a mother and father and I also have friends and only now I am actually able to feel that I have a heart ache that’s plaguing me from my relationship break up that I have had with a long term partner that I have managed to swerve by working until I have dropped every day.

 

It is also only now when I am finally realizing that this life it is too short and it is waaaaaay too precious in order to act out on my addictions, however when I am in the madness I am just not able to see it and I have been not able to see it for a long time… I’m also not able to see the damage that I am actually doing to my loved ones and to myself too… I have already been ready to die on that day when I have broken down and the mirror has smashed and then I realized how actually close I came to death and that I am getting closer and closer to it every single night. Luckily… I personally have never injected (I guess that’s going to be already waay to much for me), however I cry each time when I am listening to Bert Jansch’s ‘needle of death’ as I understand his words very and very well… I understand everything that he tries to tells there… when he tries to tell this:

 

One grain of pure white snow<br /><br />Dissolved in blood spread quickly to your brain<br /><br />In peace your mind withdraws<br /><br />Your death's so near your soul can't feel no pain<br /><br />Your troubled young life had made you turn<br />to the needle of death

</p><p> </p><p>Here is to the hundreds of thousands that have never make it and so they die some sad and all lonely deaths. I am going to be praying tonight that other people out there may be given the grace of a rock bottom so bad that it is literally shaking them awake. Plus to that… I am also going to pray for those ones that I personally knew who has never made it… this is horrible but we all should learn something out of this. God bless you all and RIP to those who went away.</p>

 

[debra]

Well, I do understand very well that it is truly absolutely none of my business, however I personally am thinking that as long as you are having success in tapering and as long as you do it, the actual medication that is working the best for you seems like the best choice for you, and it truly seems to me as unfair that your sponsor is having input on that. just my humble opinion once again… but I would think that a doctor and you could sort these kind of things much better than a sponsor who even if has a bit of knowledge – definitely not enough IMO. I also can say here that I truly believe A LOT on what 12 steps is having to offer, however I am also thinking that there are sometimes when the rigidity can drive folks away. I have still been on some benzodiazepines during the time when I participated there, and it has not been a drug that I have abused, however I did felt that I needed only to participate as I have been going through a really heavy duty panic disorder period of time in my life. Luckily and eventually… I did managed to get off them, however my sponsor has been, luckily, open minded and that’s why has said that as long as I have been working a program and have been using it all exactly as it is being directed, it has been all between only me and my higher power…

 

Whichever the case… I just hate to see all of your progress come to a halt due to an issue over which actual benzo you are using. In the end, I wish you all of my best wishes and I hope that you’re going to be and feel fine as soon as possible!

 

[Angwin]

I appreciate very much your kind words and I completely understand what you are trying to say and I guess you do know that medication tapering decisions are really really difficult. But unfortunately for me… my sponsor does knows a lot much more about those matters than my GP (strange, I know, but that’s true) who is, by the way, leaving the taper up to me… as for me…. to be fully honest with you guys… I am now completely scared (VERY MUCH) to have the keys to the medicine cabinet where you would be able to get triazolam, Xanax and lots of boxes with different other medications like for example lorazepam, diazepam as well as the 3 Z drugs either… oh yeah… and nitrazepam and flurazepam either…

 

But pretty much fortunately for me… I am currently in a place where the depression it is the most painful thing and I am now feeling completely numb. I do find it to be quite tricky to motivate myself, but I just know that I really need to do it. the diazepam and the sertraline does seem to be numbing me and this is a really terrible feeling I get. The valium blues are terrible, however I have already dropped down to 15 mg today and I am going to take 1 mg of lorazepam just in case this is going to be a real need for me during the time I would need to work (a bit later now). I am doing some work here and there and I am getting to a lot of meetings now and so I am keeping an every day contact with my guys.

 

But yeah, I definitely do agree and it is AA policy to not interfere with any medication given from a doctor, however then this has lead me nearly to death, literally… so obviously this is not the best idea for me. and in addition to that when your sponsor is being more qualified than your doctor then this is only getting even more complicated, double as complicated I would say… this is all strange and… complicated and to be honest I feel as if he is not feeling too comfortable with this whole situation either…

 

But now, what I do know for sure is that my brain chemistry is being messed up and I am currently still using Ritalin. I have already dropped the sertraline dosage down from 150 mg to 100 mg as I have not even realize quite how high a dosage this actually is and in case the SSRI’s are causing numbness then this must be a part of the problem I guess. Frankly, I actually want to cry some more right now but I just cannot, at the moment. There is simply nothing in there left. But on the other hand, I surely do not want to have a breakdown either or a relapse and so, I have to tread very and very carefully right now and I do realize this very well. I thought and I wanted to switch to a different antidepressant. The antidepressants in the tetracyclic class are the only ones that have worked for me, however the last time when I have tapered off it within a month of opiate/ valium detox as I do not want the chemicals to be in my brain anymore. It really feels phony but I just know that with a good treatment/ tapering plan and a healthy/ good lifestyle I am literally alright. I just need some more time until I’m going to feel perfectly, or that’s the way I hope it’s going to be. I am always thinking that the antidepressants are only going to lift me out of the normal and into the sphere of the joyous, however in the same time I think that I am going to get confused with MDMA (he is only joking).

 

As for the opiate withdrawals, they are still really intense at times, however there are other times when, at least to me, they do not seem to be quite so so horrible. I just cannot believe that I have actually got out throughout those very first days of delirium. I remember that I did have had one full box of morphine right by my side ready to be used at any given moment, however I just didn’t touched it and frankly I have no idea how I’ve done it. I have absolutely no explanation for that and how I didn’t just resume, but anyway, most importantly is, obviously, that I didn’t. but I wanted to die anyway, I remember how I felt then, I will always remember. There was some kind of another power at force then as there is now and to be honest, I am being guided and being nearly completely protected.

 

But then again, thank you a lot for everything, I know that I just have to keep on moving forward and I do know that this is only a frigging chemical imbalance, but I am going to try my best and I know that it is going to correct itself, as I said earlier, it just requires sometime. I know that when there is something that is surely worth fighting for then pain is going to be an inevitable thing and struggle is to be endured, we just have to… endure it. I know for sure that what I am telling here is 100% true!

 

[Thadestal63]

Hey there… just hold the line… just take each day at a time and try and keep yourself busy somehow… it doesn’t actually matter, you might like reading books, or maybe you like music, or maybe film… you could even try meditation as I often heard that it is helpful (and you could try guided meditation mp3s)…. I do know that feeling of wanting to be out of this world, I completely understand and sympathize you. also it would be a good idea IMO to keep in touch with good friends and with your family… I wish you all the best wishes and best regards, hopefully you’re going to be alright as soon as possible.

 

[Angwin]

Hello there, I just wanted to say a really big thank you for that post, lots of thanks for that supportive message. So well, today I have went to the GP and I have frankly told her that I am just not able anymore to take this depression, this emptiness and this lethargy that I am feeling while I am on valium and exactly as you have recommended, I do know that I have to keep myself and my mind busy and motivated. That’s while the lorazepam is not making me feel any of these terrible stuff and that is why, in the end, we did agreed on the thing that I need to stay on 5 mg of lorazepam per day for the entire next week and after that to start getting it lower, and I really hope with an excipient preparation which may include the benzyl alcohol, propylene glycol. Right now I just cannot say that I would be happy with an ethanol based preparation since I’ve been an alcoholic and that’s even though I have downed lots of bottles of oramorph the last year and that is 17 % of alcohol and it has not done very much harm for me then…

 

I did have mentioned to her that I am not able to get out of my bed without getting Ritalin and this one is good in countering the depression very well for me and I think I’m lucky that it does. We did have agreed that the sertraline it is not working very well and so I am coming off of that and I am going onto trazadone that i have been using in the past and it has worked pretty well for me and so I am hoping that I am going to be able to stop the Ritalin then. I am currently only taking 30 mg of it per day in opposed to the 60 to 90 mg a day when I have been in the madness state. That’s 2-3 x times less and that’s really good IMO.

 

So well, tomorrow I am going to be 29 days being free of opiates and obviously can’t be sure, however I think that I am finally running a corner, the corner to a better life, hopefully. And in addition to that, I just keep on finding DHC everywhere stashed in pockets and behind wardrobes. I have found a whole strip the other day however took it straight down to the docs and the other ones I have made sure so they would go down the sink. But you know, what’s really making me much happier… is that I am starting to look healthier right now, and IMO a lot much more healthier than I used to look. There’s one of my mother’s friends who said that she has seen me approximately 3 months ago or so and I have been looking all yellow and green with one side of my face puffed right out and generally been looking terrible. To be honest, this is really nice and i really love the feeling to look in the mirror and not to see a monster that’s looking back at me… this is a terrible feeling and getting rid of it is amazing.

 

I honestly think that this is going to be an amazing thing if anybody else could contribute with some experience about the CT withdrawals and the benzo tapers as well as barbiturate CTs and what the antidepressants have actually worked for them. I am thinking that this is an very important discussion to have as it can help develop more ideas more and more and any member here most likely can see it. however, as for me personally… I would say that my lesson is that in case you are an alcoholic in recovery or an addict in recovery then please, you really need to read this blog before you are going to consider to pop that pill. It is going to flick the switch and ignite the circuitry and in case you are drank and used like me that one pill it could possibly lead to an even fiercer and severer addiction than you have ever heard and known and the consequences are going to be catastrophic for sure for you as well as for everyone around you, people who love you – your friends, family, partner etc. and with the entire array of pills that is available all over the web, the combinations that you can get could very easily and very quickly kill you. and trust me, I don’t ever try to say that such site as this one where it can help you get your hands on pills easier should be closed and I have absolutely no intention to judge them. I mean… let me explain… a loaded gun is going to be completely 100% safe in case it is in the right hands, in the hands of a sane man… however it is completely unsafe if it’s in the hands of a wrong man… so put it in the hands of an addict and he is going to use it and most likely he is going to use it on himself.

 

To be honest, I truly wish that I would have had that self control myself to pop the odd pill or to have an ice cold beer, however my circuitry it is not being able to do that and I am in the process of accepting this today, right now, right in this moment. And I’m fighting my way through it and I really hope for getting success, which is why I really hope that I am going to be completely free of drugs by the end of the next month. Not sure what are the chances but hopefully I have some.

 

Now… to be honest, I am not sure if I could recommend to quit drugs cold turkey with no support and simply being locked away to go mad for a few days… especially compared to a comfy detox with methadone, however this is what I have done myself and to be honest, it does seems that so far this is holding up. One of the biggest problems is that the relapse rates are unfortunately really really high especially amongst the opiate abusers and addicts and that’s especially the ones who are injecting. I did have seen this not so long ago myself so I know what I am talking about.

 

Now, I am asking everybody out there: just please come in and share some stories here especially positive stories which is giving us all the strength to go and push forward more. Thanks for everything and maybe everything I wrote here so far would be helpful for someone out there.

 

[Angwin]

So well, I am now 4 weeks clear of opiates, I am taking 6 mg of lorazepam and this dosage seem to be the comfortable one for me. I am telling this because there seem to be no high (I personally have never got high on the benzodiazepines, only on those situations when I have mixed it with opiates) and there seem to be no low which is good (compared to Valium by the way).

 

Monday this and the Sertraline have to come down a way. I am going to try 0.5 mg cuts or maybe 0.6 mg cuts it all just depends if I am going to use the 2.5 mg or the 1 mg tablets. Also I should say here that I have got some atarax, I’ve got it for itching, however I have been using 75 mg of it in order to get some sleep in attempt to alternate the nights to Zopiclone.

 

To amazing news for me is that I am currently feeling much more stable than I ever did. I knew very well in my deep in my heart that I have been coming down from a hell of a lot of benzodiazepine, however I just hoped that the withdrawals would be minimal for me, however alas no it was very and very hard and brutal. I am not feeling any sleepiness so far by 10.00 PM my body it is already shutting down after the last dosage that I had anywhere around 4 to 5 PM or so. and I tell you that this is a problem due to the fact that Valium has always had the effect of waking me up anywhere around 5 AM or so and the last time at higher dose it has been going back to like 3 to 4 AM at one point.

 

The Ritalin has gone up and I am really really needing that noradrelina/ dopamine boost as a crutch that I’ve got to lose quite soon. The opiate withdrawals however are much much less noticeable right now and that’s so so good for me. I am just feeling overall weak or such… not sure how to describe it but it feels as if I’m like an old man even though I am not napping in the day as old men are doing. and in addition to that, I am getting some really really weird dreams every single night and I am waking up being completely disorientated and I am all disturbed, however I am getting on with these things and I try my best to deal with them. just keep putting a foot in the front of the other and keep trying not to get overwhelmed. Will come back with updates later if somebody is being interested.

 

[Angwin]

Oh well, as much as it seems, I am looking healthy once again. But you know… I would really wish that I would felt the same inside of me… honestly, I am a little bit apprehensive about CT of sertraline the next week, however I have to be off 5 days until I am able to start with trazadone. The benzo tapering is still not happening, however I do feel a little bit better inside. I am feeling clear headed and sharp when I am using the Ritalin, that’s why I just keep on using it further. I have to taper off that by Friday as well as I do not think that it is going to be compatible with trazadone, so I am now having my plans thought.

 

The people have been all great and that’s supportive. Been to a nice meeting tonight and I have got a lot of affirmations from people. Somebody is taking me to an 10 meeting in the AM. I finally can say that I have slept a bit better the last night and I have not used anything so that’s quite a big success for me. I really really want my head to be clear as of quick. Right now, I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin and to get on with the business of life and love, even though not the romantic kind of love. To be honest, it does starts to feel tempting and I do know that there are a couple of girls out there who probably would agree going out with me, however I just can feel that I am not able to do that so far. I’m going to try later. I just know that I need to be loving myself as this is very important before even thinking about loving some other crazy soul who may be waiting for me somewhere out there. so I know that I can’t do that now and I will be waiting until I would. It is obvious that I don’t know what or who is actually waiting for me, none of us knows, however I am still feeling carried and I do know that this time it is going to be alright.

 

I am currently wondering if I really do have a defective brain chemistry, however the last 6 years before the last year have been proved that with the right programme and with the proper set of behaviors I am able to function pretty well. this illness is never standing still it is pretty much like my lover and my best friend and the best salesman that you are ever going to meet with the patience of a saint, pretty much waiting for that one foot in the door and then later convince me that one pill is going to be fine to be taken the edge off and in quite a short space of time that one single pill has turned into quite enough pills in order to make my skin be yellow again and my body to start to fill with fluid and then the lover/ brother/ salesman it is telling me that I am doing ok, nobody has noticed it and you are doing amazingly and then… you know… if you really have the wish to stop then you are able to do it tomorrow. So far, you do not have a habit formed yet, and all of those bad feelings out there have all disappeared.

 

Only except for the fact that people had noticed. My GP has got a letter from my bandmate who was saying that she has been really and really worried about my rapid deterioration and that I have been using a lot of the Soma which they have searched up and they have noticed that it is not being available in this country. After that, sometime later, there was another of my friend who has gotten in the house and has found me being in a stupor, my face has been puffed right out and I have been surrounded by packets of pills. It was a horrible scenario and she has then told me that she has experienced a true feeling of fear, she was scared a lot and she explained that it was because the person who has looking at her definitely was not me. she has tried to take the pills away from me however I said NO! of course she tried to help, and she has then gave a phone call to the pharmacy, she has explained to them everything what she saw and what has happened to me and they replied to her that they do know me.

 

The letter and the pharmacy visit did not deter my doc who just kept on handing the poison out to me and when she has asked about the soma I have told her that somebody out there has given me one strip in order just to try it out which I had left at my friends and you know… even so, I have still got the lorazepam and morphine. Of course I can’t be sure, however I am thinking subconsciously the CT was deliberate and so I would never forget the pain of those days.. of those few first days. That was really awful. The last time that I did not feel absolutely any withdrawals have been when I went through a comfy detox on the methadone. In fact, thinking a bit more about it now that’s actually not really true as I have still got some of them during the time when I have gotten out, however, at very least, they have been quite some milder. And to be honest… I am currently starting to seriously think if I should have not cold turkeyed the benzodiazepines… I just do know very well that I cannot as this is a dangerous way of doing it and so I am better getting busy cutting.

 

[Angwin]

So well, hi everyone once again… this seems to be like it is a blog or something… it truly is seems I’m coming back here day by day writing my ideas and etc… but I don’t really mind. And I hope nobody minds. Anyway… unfortunately, the last night wasn’t as the night before, it was much worse as I was not able to get to sleep the last night and I have decided to take 2 zops, 1 zolp, 2 mg of lorazepam and 2 mg of alprazolam. With all this sleeping mixture pills I did have got the sleep, finally, and I slept approximately 6 hours or so. today I have woken up being clear headed and I have finally been less depressed than in days. No more sertraline until Friday from this moment. Pretty much my plan is: 0.5 mg cuts in Lorazepam and I am going to start an exercise regimen. Obviously I am not going to do any hard work or anything, but I am going to be walking around the country lanes to build up to ten miles by the end of the week. really hoping I would. Tonight we have the meeting which I hope it’s going to go well. I am now wishing that I could pray, however I just cannot do it…

 

Love, interconnection and focus as well as the earth itself as my higher power… all the best to all the rest.

 

[Angwin]

Today is a really really strange day I would say… my depression is lifting up and that is super weird I would say as I have not used my antidepressant for the last 3 days now. also it is not a good day since the taper it is getting messy now. you know… an addict with his own medicine cabinet keys… that’s, shall I say, really tricky… I am now pumping my brain full of dopamine which is hindering the benzo taper (oh well… no sh*t!)

 

But I do realize very well that in case I am not being able to be responsible enough about it then those keys have to go to somebody else than me. I do accept the fact that I am not able to drink any alcohol and not taking opiates, however, to be honest, I do think that I am having at least some control over the benzodiazepines and that’s mostly, I think, due to the fact that I do not like the effects of them. however when it is being mixed with stim’s and pregab then I am thinking that I am only repeating the upper/ downer addiction and the 2 substances do seem to be keeping me quite sane, however in reality they are still some very powerful drivers for my addiction pathways, I do understand this well.

 

And I am now very much relying on the thing that the trazadone is going to make all the things much better. That’s my biggest hope. So that’s just another drug when I just need to stop using them all, however I do know that I just cannot. I am truly feeling helpless…

 

I’m trying to stick to the lorazepam reduction and after that topping up with the alprazolams… I have used a bar the last night and 1.5 mg of it today and in addition to that I have also taken 2 mg of lorazepam and probably anywhere around 50 to 60 mg Ritalin. 60 mg of it it is my absolute limit and I have already done my 300 mg pregab, however I have used 600 mg of it yesterday and oh my… that has been truly strange. how I have taken that dosage for months on top of everything else is…. oh well, I am left speechless. Oh well... I have just got to keep going until tonight after I have to work for a little bit and then going home. But the worst out of it all is that at this current point in time, I am feeling very and very lost and completely helpless… having big hopes that this is going to be changed soon.

 

[Thadestal63]

The most important is that every single day it is moving forward at least somehow. It doesn’t actually make sense when you are in the middle of it… I do know that I can most likely safely tell that I am going to reach the end of this day without a drink (and that’s even after all of this time) and I am going to take care of tomorrow when it is going to come… wishing you the best regards and hopefully you’re going to be doing better tomorrow.

 

[Angwin]

Thank you very much for your kind and supportive words, I really appreciate this. I have to say that I gave up on sleep tonight…. All that I can do is to listen to music and being more specific, listening to slow day from Factotum. It just sums it up ideally for me, poem that is put to music. You can check the lyrics online if you’re interested and see what I’m talking about.

 

And now… some really long, VERY long days and even longer than that nights… at least, the good news is that the worst of the opiate withdrawals has subsided now in my body anyway…

I have went to an NA meeting tonight and also a fellow there has said to me something along the line that it has been amazing that I was able to go through all of this cold turkey hell with a full box of morphine by my side. And I do get his point very well. by the second day I was already too delirious in order to know what has been going on with me anyway. I am thinking that my entire Psyche imploded and I broke through to the other side or they broke through to me. the people from my past – they are  all long gone now. out of a sudden you long to touch them and tell them how much you loved and still love them nowadays. I one have cried and wailed and sweated and froze, however I have never thought of picking that box or 3 or 4 others scattered around. Somehow I did knew that I might just as well take rat poison as sister Morphine was preparing to take me from this world and I somehow knew that I could not go so far. There was still more to do. That’s truly strange but… so not incredible really.

 

And I’m currently having to apply the exact same logic in order to finishing the job. With all the experience I have, right now, for me, every mind altering substance out there is pretty much rat poison. And that’s why, really not sure about going on the trazadone tomorrow. I am currently both anxious and depressed and that’s even though tonight I am just starting to accept the fact that there is going to be absolutely no sleep for me without getting a benzo and sine I am not going to take any of it tonight – no sleep guaranteed for me. it has been a very and very slow day, however just 4 hours right now until sunrise. I have purchased a head torch and I’m going to go out walking at night as I am living in the middle of nowhere which means that there are no lights as in the big cities. So I’m going out for walks as this might be one of the best therapy for me right now. I am not going to put a single foot in that bed until I am going to feel that I am truly tired as I don’t want to struggle anymore like that. but with this said I only want to say this: fu** you mr high feeling and all of the mighty all powerful benzodiazepines. I wanted to stay up without sleeping anyway! and yeah, for as many nights as that is possible, in case you could do that! I have job to do at night as well! and I also wanted to get that a lot of the paralyzing anxiety during the day in case you could do that so I can smoke and stare at the walls for entire hours the way I am doing! having big hopes that you can keep up with this mr. Benzo man!

 

[hardme]

Hello there Angwin, I just have read your story… through all your posts… and you know… I perfectly understand it all and I know it all very and very well the whole struggle that you are going through right now and I have such big hopes that this is going to end for you soon. After all of this, I am not going to start saying anything like ‘I know exactly how do you feel’ and that’s due to the fact that we are all different although we look very alike, however my plan is that I want to show my support here in this post for fighting your addiction and wishing you sincere good luck with that. as you, I was also searching for help on forum sites like this one (and even on this one either) and then a family friend that it is also a doctor and my life has very much changed in ways that I have never ever in my life thought that it is even possible, and, to be honest, I wouldn’t actually believe that it is true quite a while ago.

 

Everything that I can say is to keep at it… yeah, we do know that it is very hard, it is obvious that it’s very though, however you have already and definitely pushed through what I would say are the harder parts. I want to also thank you for keep us updating but I’m still looking forward to read your further updates which I hope they would appear. Also, if you feel that you want to, please, feel free to private message me anytime you want to talk with someone as, from as much as I have read, we are not actually that different. Being from the land downunder, the time difference is going to mean a little bit of a delay between the replies. I wish you all the best and best wishes!

 

[Claudia100]

I am not an expert here but I have some really big hopes that things are going to improve for you as soon as possible. The most important thing is that the longer you are toughing it out, the easier is going to get in time. there are a lot of people here that are ready to help you with all sorts of advices and recommendations (as much as you already see). I am sure that simply support already means enough. lots of good luck on your taper! Good luck and good wishes.