big problems with my mother

[AmeliaLove]

hey there all. I guess I only need to talk to someone and since I don't really have anybody near me I would like to say everything here. I just think that this is going to make me feel a bit better. so well, I grew up with what I have learned sometime later in my life was a mother most likely to have borderline personality disorder. Those episodes would have been manifested themselves in some rages at the offending party or parties and followed by some really long periods of having no contact at all. very often, these rages that I am talking about are coming absolutely out of nowhere!! When I was still living with them (under their roof), my mother was sitting in her room locked for like 20 hours per day (during the summer days). and I am mentioning that it is during the summer days because when I was at school (early fall to late spring) - she was coming out from her room in the time that I was at the school only, however when I was coming back home from school she would go back in her room. but since in the summer I was there - she was in her room. and yeah, when she did got out and I was there she would give me those dirty and angry looks of her. the thing is that when you are young then all of this is making you some impressions and they are even bigger since you are young and that's your mother. I guess you do understand what I am talking about.

 

so well, I have made sure that when I have left from their house for college I never came back. I have never defied her, I have had some really good grates because I was really trying hard to study, then I have went to a great college and I have had great grates there too and so I have ended up with a really well paying job. it seemed that she didn't cared about all of this and that it was not enough for her. even so, my voice inflection could easily set her off completely. this played an really important role in my life. regarding my father … well he was not really of much help and this is because he did absolutely nothing to get her help and this is due to the fact that he really did not tried to change anything, he didn't call her out on her behavior so… every single time when I was asking him about any past incidents he would always (and I mean, ALWAYS, regardless of how much I asked or tried to talk to him) told me that he does not remember. so it is obvious that eventually I gave up and stopped asking him.

 

so well,, over my entire life of 48 years old, she has ruined A LOT (nearly all) of out get togethers, mini vacations, holidays, reunions etc. etc. you name it. I am also having a sister who is 6 years older than me who is not doing a really good job at choosing her husbands, and I think that this is due to the fact that she has the abuse thing… we are barely and rarely talking because she is an very self absorbed person so I guess you do understand how it is to talk with them… well, a few months ago, my husband and I have helped my folks a lot in numerous ways and we still try doing so. talking about my son who is having Aspergers is not able to understand anything of this, anything of what it is going on here. we did have managed to protect him from all of the prior episodes (where we were reconciling with them), however he has been privy to this episode now. and while he is sad now, he does see how much I am being hurt out of this. the reason why I had this need to write this down it is a letter that I have received today from my mother that it is written in so so many words that she is not planning to ever see us or me ever again. I just want to be fully honest here and that's why I can tell you that the entire stress that I have come through has taken such a big toll on me that I really have no wish to reunite with them ever again. but my father is now 86 years old and my mother is 83… having this said I'm trying to say that I am not sure how many years they still have left on this earth…. but the thing is that I really want to be able to finally enjoy my life (at 48 years) without always having the feeling that I need to look back over my shoulder or something in this matter.

 

again, I am not having any questions to you guys, however I really wanted to write this so thank you very much for letting me do this and thanks for reading. wish you all the best guys!

 

[Elisa J.]

oh wow.. I am truly shocked to see that you had to go through such pains in your life… I am really so so sorry for the fact that you had to go through such a tough childhood and I am happy for you that at least a little bit of that disappeared in your adult life. although you had to get through it again on mini vacations, reunions and get togethers etc. as you said it - that's not the same as when you were with them, I guess. but judging from what you have had to get through I think that you must be one really strong individual at this point in life… anyone who has endured that kind of punishment as a child grows up really strong or crazy. you don't seem to be a crazy person which means you are a strong one. but I do understand what makes you feel like that and what you have gone through… my mother has been a severe alcoholic and she has blacked out half of my childhood, however that's only her problem mostly that although affected me too - it didn't affected me THAT much. besides, taking in consideration that when she has been sober she has been really really kind as she can be and so this makes it much much much more tolerable than what you have had to go through, in my opinion. I just only wanted to say that I do have at least an idea what's that feels like. there are some of us who are very resilient and this is hard to believe what has happened to us in our past. I understood the thing with your father but maybe you were a child back then? or at least a child in his eyes. but now? did ever your father told you why he did not ever got any help to your mother? trust me… I am now so so happy for you, for the fact that you are able to be free of them in case this is what you are choosing (which seems so). I honestly wish you to have only peace from now on and to live a normal life. to be able to enjoy your life as you wish!

 

[Melina]

AmeliaLove, I am able to relate to like 90% of what you have said up there. I understand extremely well what are you trying to say and that's because my mother and her sisters were very and very similar. exactly as you said, they are champs to ruin family reunions… there were absolutely no family get togethers where drama wasn't there either. the sisters have been all the same in the fact that they could have been calm in a second and to get into an extremely big rage the next second and then just a moment later they could be calm once again as if absolutely nothing happened at all. the thing is that all of them were thinking (or maybe they are still thinking which is quite possible if you ask me) that this is absolutely normal and it is an acceptable behavior. as if I am the one who isn't having a normal behavior. the thing is that all of they are highly educated, in psychology, education, law, sociology etc. etc. but still they were all nuts and that's what made me go nuts sometimes.

 

what said previous commenter is definitely true, it is not easy at all to grow up in such an environment. the husbands of these crazy women simply either ignored them or divorced with them and that's it, however, us kids have nothing else to do than to deal with this and since we were kids - we couldn't ignore it or understand it as their husbands did. what's even more funny is that taking all of that in consideration and we were still expected to grow up normally. one of us cousin excelled as a near genius and so all of us have been expected to live up to that standard either. but then later when my father moved out in Europe, I couldn't be any more happy to go with him. the time that I have been there only with him have been some of the very best years in my entire life. but then later I have had to come back to this craziness. while being there I hoped that maybe something is going to change, that maybe something won't be the same… however deep inside I knew that nothing would change and I was right - nothing changed at all when I returned back. I understand why you wanted to write that down and trust me I would help you with at least some suggestions regarding your problem but unfortunately I have nothing to recommend or advise. all I can say is that you (and your son as well) surely deserve much more happiness than you have now. you really deserve at least some happiness and joy in your lives and you should be the one who rearranges things so this could happen. in case your mother took and still continues to take this away from you (because I do know very well that this might happen even though she is your mother), but as difficult as it may be… to have at least some distance between you guys may really be the best option for you. this might change a lot, for better, for you and your son. but I do know your feelings… very often I am wondering what it is running through my mother's head from day to day and I am really wondering if I could understand her better if I knew the answer to this question. but there are also other times when I am being thankful for the fact that I am not in her head. I really wish as well that you are going to find your peace and that you would finally reach your happiness. you do deserve this.

 

[ninaflemming]

Hello Amelia Love, just wanted to say that I totally do understand this kind of crazy situation that you are trying to explain up there. I am very often telling my husband that I am bilingual now in English language and in Crazy language, LOL. however, the problem is that I only understand this quite well but the fact that I understand it doesn't mean that I am immune from the effects of it. personally for me, my huge plan has been to escape from all of it once and for all. when I have been 22 years old, I have graduated my college with a full scholarship and with Summa Cum Laude and that's even though I have always been told (in some good ways) that I am stupid and been always showed HOW stupid I was.

 

so well, it is indeed the best idea to avoid contact with any people of this kind, that's what I am doing… I am avoiding absolutely all contact with them and that's even on facebook, with any family members or ex friends that are the same either. Also, once in a while, a PI is getting hired and I am being investigated. over some time I have learned how to start seeing the signs of these. I have discussed with some of those PIs and anybody with whom I have ever talked to has never come back. I was making sure that I was not threatening or being rude - they have had a job to do and they have always been misinformed. I personally could learn very and very much by simply bringing out some sandwiches and a thermos of coffee in.

 

now, the only worry that I am sometimes having is whether or not the state is going to ever force me to take care of them, in case the need of doing so would appear. I guess it is obvious that I am not willing to do so and to be honest with you, I am seeing it as some kind of a long shot. I really hope for their sakes that they have made some other arrangements because if they not then they can only count on my brother, who is an doctor and who over some time has become an abuser exactly like them. I think that he should have just enough money to appease them in case it came down to this need, even though he has already moved far away from them either (exactly as I did). I guess this also talks about much either. in the end it is only up to you what you decide, but that I told you what in my opinion is the best option for you to do!

 

[LaRocca1]

oh yeah, I do know that this is so so hard because it is your family and it's surely not that easy to deal with it, however this relationship is toxic and the more you stay there the more you're getting intoxicated. so, I agree with other people saying that you should avoid any contact and it doesn't matter how hard it seems to do so. and yeah, I do understand very well that she is your mother, as I have already said, it is really hard and I am extremely sorry that this happens with your mother, but whatever you think or whatever you do… the time has really come to disconnect, period. otherwise, as I said, you would just keep intoxicating yourself. you do love your mother despite all of the things that she done and we all know this, however you should start thinking that you are not getting absolutely anything beneficial from the relationship… or at least if it won't be detrimental, but as long as it is, you should disconnect and you should start concentrating on your son and on you as well. your mother did this to you and it is hard, but don't do the same to your son, just be the caring mother that you are and try making everything that's the best for him. if this relationship is detrimental for him then you already know what you have to do. you have already changed the cycle and you do not need those people in your life, especially since they told you that they don't want to see you again. she's your mother, but still, why you would want to do it? I just hope very much that everything is going to go just fine for you and your family and you should start forgetting about those who are harming you. you are the one who said that you don't know how much time they have left on earth, and you already don't have the best memories with them, well, just don't make these memories even worse for the time when they would go. I am really sorry if I offended you with anything at all, my intentions were only to help you and I hope I did at least a bit. wish you all the best!

 

[AmeliaLove]

I can only remember my father one time saying that we could not do absolutely anything to upset my mother. this has been the advice that he has got from her OB. I can't be sure here but I do not think that they knew as much about this issue back in that time due to the outside world they were in, she is able to act as if absolutely everything is just fine. furthermore, she has always held the notion that she did not have had the problem at all (which is obvious), everybody else did. I am very fortunate with my man because he has been my rock, I am very lucky to have him by my side as my husband. he is an very amazing man every woman wish to have. but anyway, I have scheduled to see my therapist tomorrow and to be honest I really cannot wait to see him as soon as possible. thanks all for responding… this is really hard.

 

[DeoNeo]

oh well, I am really sorry for this to hear and I am very and very sorry for your issues, however my question here is: why you simply do not detach as soon as possible? I don't want to be mean but in my opinion parents are over rated. family in general is simply overrated for me… I guess this is because mine sucks but that's the truth. it greatly depends on their personalities, but often people put them in front only because they are family, even when they are wrong!