Many may think that I’m crazy because of this but for me it’s already a serious problem which is getting just worse and worse with every day. I decided to write it here because I don’t want to let my parents or my boyfriend know about it. I can’t go to a psychologist otherwise they will understand that something isn’t right. I just simply can’t ask for somebody else’s help, I risk being caught. The reason I don’t want them to know about is that they will understand that there is a problem that I can’t solve and I can’t bear it. Yesterday I argued with my boyfriend, I got so angry I started to yell at him so bad. After that I was hitting myself, I punched my legs so bad that I have bruises all over them now. I hate myself because I do it, I know it’s not normal but I can’t stop doing it. I cry every time afterwards… I’m very mad and I cry because of doing it. I blame myself so much… that’s why I hit my self until I have bruises. I’m totally depressed but I have to hide all of this. I have to smile and to be a cute girl but I’m already sick of this. When I hit my legs I feel better for a while, it feels like I’m doing what I deserve, but after some time I feel terrible, alone and depressed. Nobody would ever have a clue what I’m doing because I try being different in society, I try being happy… I think everybody would have a shock if they would find out that I hit myself so bad and what’s inside my fake smile. I’m feeling alone and I don’t want to hit myself, I’m tired doing this, but I just can’t stop. I know what you have to say “better go and talk with somebody, you will feel better after that, those who love you will understand and they will try to help” and so on, but it’s not just like that. I feel that I don’t have to whom to talk to about it, that’s why I feel so alone, I know that nobody will understand me because my doings are not normal, like I’m a monster. I’m afraid that after telling them this they will look at me like at a monster. I’m afraid that my boyfriend will leave me if I tell him about this. I love him… I know I do, but if I hit myself he would think that’s because of him and I know that he doesn’t want to hurt me. But I hit myself only because of me. I never had a wish of hitting him, I truly love him. I don’t know how to make it stop… It feels so sad, I feel so depressed just looking at my legs, at my bruises. Whenever I’m hitting myself I’m just more and more angry, it doesn’t make me calmer at all. I’m scared of myself, literally. Sometimes I have suicidal thoughts and that’s what scares me the most. I imagine how I’m cutting myself with a razor blade and then I think how easy it would be to make it all stop at once. I don’t know what is waiting for me next but I need help because if I already thought of ending my life it’s a matter of time when I will start doing it… I know that life can be beautiful, I don’t want to die, I really don’t… but sometimes I feel like this is the only way of finding peace, or a place where all my pain will go away and I could start living normally. I’m scared, lonely and depressed and I don’t know what to do. P.S. You are a really kind person if you took your time and you read all of this…
I start hitting myself when I'm angry
- Thread starter dontdoit
- Start date
I know exactly how you feel, I was abused for about 2 years continuously by my dad, after he finished hitting me I was full in anger, I was so anger that I could probably kill someone, but I was just hitting myself! Hitting and beating all over my body: in my head, legs, arms and so on, there was a time when I couldn't hide all my bruises and scratches. I know when you said that you feel a little better after it and then you get more upset on you. The reality is that you don't feel better after beating yourself, your angry just dissipates and then you realize that what you were doing isn't right. I recommend and I insist to go to a doctor. You can tell your parents and boyfriend about it later, when you will feel that you are ready to do it, but until then you need to visit a professional doctor. That's how I've fixed up my problem, as I said already I was in the same situation as you, but now I'm just channeling my anger by hitting a pillow or any other soft object, so you should try doing the same, maybe it will work for you too. I hope that you will get better soon because I know how hard is to deal with it.
seizethemoment
New member
unfortunately i know what are you talking about... i am in the same situation and i hit myself too when i am angry. is this a state of mind? i also don't understand how so much people do this, i thought no one ever is going to harm himself when angry, i thought that i'm the only one. yesterday i was so angry and so mad at my that i started to hit myself in the stomach, in the head and after that on my hands. now i still can feel pain on my hands as well as well seen bruises. also on my stomach and approxim all over my body. some time ago i burnt my wrist with a cig. i really dont know wtf is going on with me and why i am doing this. i also don't have to whom to talk, i feel so alone, but i guess no one would like to be friend with a person like me who is hitting himself.... i am depressed and i feel like i am collapsing more and more everyday. i don't really know why i wrote this, in my opinion ne one could help people like me... so sick of this....
hey, i was shocked when i’ve seen your post and i was really interested because i’m doing the same thing to myself and i don’t really know why i’m doing this. i’m 33 years old and in all my life i have been thru several different unpleasant things that changed me forever. however, nowadays i’m doing pretty well, thanks god, that because now i have a good and loving husband, i have 2 lovely, healthy and beautiful kids and i’m in pretty good relationships with all of them. in general everything seems pretty good. we do have sometimes some financial needs but we are fine. as you can see there’s almost nothing that would be severe or something like that. we do have problems and so on but overall we’re just fine. the point is that when i’m getting really really angry, unconsciously i start pulling my hair and i start hitting myself really really bad. whenever this is happening (it happened few days ago) my husband tries to stop me and to help me but i know that this isn’t normal. when this first happened he thought that i’m going crazy. but when he isn’t around? i can do really bad things to myself that i regret later. my questions is: is anybody out there who can advise me how can i deal with all this uncontrollable anger that i have? i know very well that there would be other situation when i’m gonna get angry and i know that this is fine but how i can do that without breaking everything around me and most importantly without hurting my self. i do feel that my sanity and my marriage as well as my kids are helping me with this but idk why this isn’t enough so i decided to ask if there are some things i can do to control myself or something. i just don’t understand why i am doing this to myself? 
((((
I think that as much as we really and truly love ourselves then we are not abusing ourselves. And yeah. That is abuse, hitting yourself is a violation like any other and this is a very very big issue. A lot of people start by hitting themselves and they end up killing themselves. You might be one of those who can say “oh no, I do hit myself only when I’m angry, but I’m pretty sure that I’m never going to kill myself”. you never know. Hitting yourself means that you are completely out of controlling yourself and therefore it means that you can do whatever with you (as well as with other people around you) when you have burst of aggression. Hitting yourself means that you are mentally sick and you have to face it. and I’m not telling you this as something bad, I just want you to understand that this is a problem, you are sick and you need help. that’s very good that some of you at least tries doing something about it (by, at least, writing on forums) but there are a lot more people who are doing the same and nobody knows and nobody helps them and I find it to be very sad…
Anyway, I do understand why are you doing it. I have discussed with a lot of people that do this. that’s not funny at all. I’m not abusing myself, when I am getting very and very angry with something, with me, with somebody else, it doesn’t matter. I don’t do it. I’m just going to take a walk or something, other times I can go somewhere, get a pillow and I am screaming in it as much as I can. do stuff that won’t affect you or others around you at the moment (nor later). I’m never abusing myself. I try to control things. anyway, I see that this is a big problem for you people that is why I am recommending you all to take an anger management course (I’m sure that there must be at least some in your local area) or at least, if there are not or if you simply don’t want to, then try to find some different ways in order to deal and control your anger. After you find some ways practice them as much as it is possible.
Just try to remember that you, each one of you, every single one (that has or that doesn’t have this problem) are special and unique individuals and we were wonderfully and perfectly made by god. Even if you don’t believe in it, that’s true. You are perfect. Each person is. There is not the “most” or the “best”. There are only people. perfect in a way. And you are too. now think, why you would want to ruin your perfection? Why would you want to ruin and abuse what god has designed. There is nobody else like you. hitting yourself means that you’re hitting an unique example on this damn planet. I beg you all to take an anger management course because it would help. and this is very important for you. search for them online or call your doctor and let him tell you where and when to go. but please, go. you really need this. I honestly don’t know if this would help somebody out there, but if there would be at least one person who have listened to my advices and found them helpful then I would be the happiest knowing that there is somebody that I have helped. Wish you the best!!