Hi all, I want to let you my story and I will try to give some details and examples so you can understand what I'm talking about and hope that someone would be able to help me. Firstly let me introduce myself: My name is Michael and I'm 16 years old and lately, for the last few years I'm feeling very strange, I'm having very strange thoughts as like someone is reading my mind, especially my family members.... Do you think this is a early stage or a sign of suffering from schizophrenia? I decided to write this here because those who are specialized in this field could easily find my post and tell me what's wrong with me...
My concern is that I'm feeling like someone is watching me almost always, I feel like when I'm walking the street everyone around me is watching at me and they all keep talking about me mysteriously. I don't feel at all a super star and obviously I'm not, I just feel like all they are looking at me. I guess it wouldn't be a such big problem if I won't have the feeling like they all are reading my mind and that’s why I keep trying not to think about them but about my own business, like I’m going to upset them. However, as I mentioned, mostly I’m having this feeling with my family members and mostly with my dad. I’m having these thought as well as with other family members but they are not so intense as with my dad. I know this is crazy and indeed it is but I’m having a feeling like he is reading my mind all the time and it doesn’t matter what I am doing or what he is doing. Whatever he is doing I assume that he is trying to enter my mind and to know what I’m thinking… Sometime I’m telling him not to read my mind but all this is happening only in my mind, I have never told him to stop reading my mind loudly and I doubt that someone knows about my concern. I know that when something like this is happening I just keep talking in my mind with myself or with my “imaginary dad”. I’m like having a inner conflict with myself. As you can understand, in those moments when he is looking straight in my eyes I’m feeling like he can read my mind very easily, like he is doing that right in those moments and I barely can stop him. This is also happening when he is touching me. I’m thinking like I’m somehow connected to him but as more distance is between us the less he can read my mind that’s why I’m not feeling as bad or paranoid or schizophrenic when he is not near me, in fact I’m not feeling this way when I’m totally alone in a closed space. Because all of this I’m always trying to avoid staying near him, with him or wherever is my dad. I barely have physical contact with him or eye contact since I’m having these thoughts…. Everything I have said is happening with my mom too but I’m feeling like this strange connection is not as intense as with my dad. I know that this is so wrong but I have no idea what I can do about it…
I’m feeling very strange also because I’m having thoughts like I’m not as the rest, like I’m different, imperfect, with a lot of flaws, these flaws being responsible for letting others read my mind especially my dad. The most strange thing is that sometime I’m looking at my dad and I’m thinking that he is improving his skills in reading minds, like he is learning about this and he can do it easier with each day, like he is having trainings about this. I’m feeling like I’m living in a different class than he is. Like he is a predator and I’m the victim, like he is watching me. I’m feeling bad about myself having thoughts like this because I know that he doesn’t want to hurt me and he loves me, but still I can’t control myself… I know that I’m hurting him only thinking about this and besides this I’m always avoiding him, he is not stupid and he understands that something is wrong and whenever he asks me what is going on I just tell him that I’m tired and I need some rest and I’m running away from him. This is not the way it should be and each time I’m trying to look straight in his eyes and to confront him “in my mind” I lose...
Reading my mind is not everything, I have never had hallucinations or to see something clearly, I’m just having episodes of seeing strange things in the corner of my eye quickly. I mean that I can see far in the right side or in the left side of my eye something, like a dark silhouette moving or entering my room even though that I know I’m completely alone and each time when I’m trying to catch it looking straight at them they keep disappearing. This is also happening on the streets when I’m walking etc. and often this is the cause why I’m always feeling watched. I’m feeling like a presence in plus and I have to look back over my shoulder to check if nobody is looking at me… Also I have never been a “friend” with windows especially during the night, I’m always having thoughts that someone stares at me thru it, even during the day time sometimes. Besides dark silhouettes sometimes I hear someone calling my name far away and often it’s like my dad voice and when I’m asking him whether he called me he says no. I have never seen or hear something clearly so each time this is happening I assume that everything is only in my mind but as you can understand it’s something I don’t really like…
In general my life is a little different from others: the simplest example is my thoughts about girls. I do enjoy staying in their presence and a physical contact with them but I have absolutely no desire for sex with them (nor with guys). I have watched porn but it’s something I don’t really like and even though I find girls very attractive I don’t watch it. I’m acting a bit strange: I’m very suspicious about everything and I’m very sceptic. Moreover I’m feeling like I’m a really bad person because each time someone is bullying me I have thoughts that I’m killing them, I imagine how I’m going to do this and etc. and I even keep believing that I’m going to do it someday… These can’t be normal thoughts for a normal guy. I have read very much about God, about the suffering of people such as hunger, war, experiments done on people, evil and many other things. I’m interested in such things and I know it’s not common for normal guys especially in my age, I know that they have completely other interests…
I’m living a different life and having other, different thoughts, do you think I’m a schizophrenic or paranoid? I have never told about this to anyone so this is my first confession. No doctor has ever seen me… What do you think about this and what do you think I should do? I guess any opinion (good or bad) is going to help me...