hey there all. I would really like to make this post sharing my experience in hopes that this is going to be helpful for somebody out there that is being interested in getting off from xanax (from my personal experience as I was using xanax) or whatever else benzo out there that you want due to the fact that this Ashton Manual is pretty good and it is covering pretty much all of those benzodiazepines (at least, most of them and definitely most popular).
just a couple of weeks ago something that I have said to my dh (for future reference, dh - dear husband) really started to bother me, I have said: "I really do not understand what has happened to me, in fact, I don't really even feel like the "me" that I have used to know in the past, it honestly feels like I don't even know myself no more". I should mention here that all of this has taken a really long time for me to really sink this information into my head until a full "understand" occurred, however it has went off quite the same as a light bulb does just the past couple of weeks. that's because there's absolutely no surprise that I am not feeling anymore like I'm "me" due to the fact that I have been on this xanax for the last 26 years. being such a long period of time on such a potent and strong medication it would be a miracle if I would still feel like I am "me".
and yeah, I did have said on here that it has been more than 20 years since I am on it, however to be honest, I never even thought about it, I never realized it and I surely never sat down thinking and trying to find out the real amount of those years that I have been on this medication until this moment. in fact, I can honestly tell you guys that in all these 26 years or so that I have been on xanax I have been thinking and attributing a lot of symptoms that I was getting to the thing that I was becoming hypothyroid approximately 18 or already 19 years ago, however, frankly I do not think that this is the ultimate and the "real" problem. I am thinking that possibly it might be just a part of this problem, but it definitely isn't this problem.
I should say here that I have lost ambition, I have become withdrawn unless I am using this xanax before being around to the public or anyone I don't know… I have realized that I am having a really big lack in a lot of the traits that are making me… well, to be me… and no, if you're not really understanding what I am trying to say here is not the fact like I am feeling some kind of an alien or any other creature or monstrosity from the outer space or anything extreme like that but even so, I do know very well that there are and there surely have been some certain situations in which I could have been actively helpful to some people out there that really needed some help, however instead of that, I have just decided to simply bypass it and go away in my days feeling all myself safe in my house all by myself alone thinking that this is the right decision to do so. that definitely wasn't the good decision. that definitely wasn't me. a lot has been lost because of this. like for example, I could have and I do know that by now I SHOULD have gotten a much better job than the one that I have now. however this has stopped me. it kinda made me an robot that was happy with the little things I was getting and wasn't really up to help anybody. this isn't me. I do know that I could have finished my college and become a good nurse instead of wimping out and to take the easy way out of it and so on and so forth. as I said, just like a robot. plus to that, over the last couple of years I have noticed that my memory is getting worse and worse and it has gotten to a point that I start forgetting simple things. it's not me, and all of this, honestly, is quite scary to me.
and yeah, I do know that I am having a buddy in xanax in order to rescue me in case there is some kind of an emotional turmoil occurring, the reality it is just a bit much further away than it, I do know, it should be in my brain. but it is not. it is a bit away. so anyway, I guess I should stop with this now as that's enough. unless anybody of you has any questions about this I might re start this again due to the fact that I really want to be helpful here, I really want to help so I am just trying my best and in case some of you want to ask me anything feel free to do so and I would try to answer all of them and any of them! but I would also want you to answer my questions just in case I would have some and I would come here trying to get help.
so I am going to try to taper down my using the Ashton manual and later, when I am going to come back home (as I need to go now) I am going to sit down and think and write out a taper schedule for myself which I really hope that would be helpful. to be honest, I would really love very much to write some updates on the progress that I have as well as maybe the failures that I would have in all the time that I am doing this. I won't be coming back here daily, but once in a while I guess I would write an update.
as I said, I am not myself anymore and I do know that this is "thanks" to xanax and that's why I really do not want to waste anymore years of my life on these things and that's why I am now up for this. thanks for letting me write this and hope I would get some help here guys from you.